That Which Drives Us
by Kooriyoukai
Summary: That which gives us strength, that which pushes us forward, that which gives us a reason to keep living. [vague SoraxRiku]


A/N: This really has no frame of reference within the first game, but we'll say it's before Hollow Bastion and the truth about Kairi's heart, and after most of the worlds have been completed.

- - -

He wakes up from another dream with an ache and sadness in his heart, brow chilled by the cold, recycled air of their interstellar ship, and staggers from his bunk on feet that still stumble awkwardly through the narrow and windowless halls that have become his home while they make their incredible journey between the stars.

Time is uncertain in the dark reaches of space that span the distance between the worlds they visit, and Sora finds himself entertaining the thought more and more that with every journey they make they'll find that years have passed since they last saw the people they knew and loved. Donald and Goofy have reassured him that their technology compensates for silly things like spatial relativity, but out here with the stars rushing by Sora is brought back to a sun-filled classroom and his primary school science teacher explaining things like time dilation to a bunch of confused children, and he can't help but feel scared.

What if all he's fighting for has been in vain, every scratch endured and every tear shed on the soil of worlds that are nothing like the one he grew up on; what if one day he wakes up and finds out that the war has ended before he even had a chance to find those important to him? Every planet his feet touch is a sore reminder of his ignorance in the ways of the universe, but at least they remind him that he's still alive, that there are battles that still need to be fought.

Him, Sora, a warrior. The idea is laughable. It _should _ be laughed at after everything he's been through, after every step he's struggled to take forward only to be pushed back two more. Oh sure he's sealed a few keyholes here and there, put a few worlds to right, made a few acquaintances along the way, learned a few neat tricks and seen things that took his breath away—but the price has come at too high a cost. He knows this now deep in his heart, the truth like a hollow emotion that fills him while he stands upon the deck of their small ship, watching the lights streak by over the glowing and blinking consoles that guide them onward to new destinations.

Maybe this is what it means to grow up, to feel incredibly stupid the older you get as you look back on the words and regrets accumulated on the path behind you, and Sora knows he's managed to acquire his fair share since his journey began. So self-righteous, so angry, so _stupid_. Too caught up in the bright lights of a new world to see the face right in front of him, too enamored with a shiny new toy to extend a hand to the one familiar face who's help could have made his search that much easier. He still doesn't know how they ended up on separate sides when they were searching for the same thing, when they claimed they wanted the same goals, but being right or wrong doesn't change the fact that he's lost something important.

Don't they say that you don't learn to appreciate what you have until you lose it?

'No frowning, no sad faces,' is what Donald's gotten fond of saying these last few weeks. Or it could be months now, given how indeterminate time exists here, but Sora knows that he's heard that particular phrase a bit more often lately than he used to.

He can't help it during the moments while he's alone, when the keyblade is nothing more than a warmth in his chest and the universe seems lonelier than usual, as if it can feel his pain and how desperately he's reaching out to those unknown places, searching. Always searching. Because she's out there; he can't explain it or how he knows, how he knew even from the moment he woke up in Traverse Town and saw an unfamiliar night sky over his head, but she's there, somewhere between the worlds. And it's been driving him ever since with an unnatural burn in his heart, as if he doesn't find her soon his chest will explode with some hellish fire and consume him completely.

She's his goal, the light that drives him forward and fills him with renewed hope with every world they travel to. It's strange and unfamiliar, and sometimes Sora blushes and wonders if this is love, this sort of desperation to be reunited with someone. But there's a melancholy there too, a bitter sense of separation that doesn't always feel like his own, a strange emotion he can't quite wholly believe himself capable of when strong feelings like this were still unfathomable on the day their lives were changed forever. Sometimes he thinks there's other things at work here, forces he can't grasp or hope to understand, but it's difficult not to believe in one's own heart, especially in times like these, so Sora lets his emotions guide his waking life and carry him onward to the scary and the unknown.

But his dreams are another place entirely, and there he relives the moments he regrets the most, the ones that cling to his thoughts when the keyblade isn't in hand and the blips and beeps of machinery are his only company. He sees his face there, sees memories of laughter and childhood and shared dreams and the memories of confusion and anger, and in those moments his heart feels something else entirely. Longing. Not the desperation of reunion but the ache of absence, the loss of self and soul and companionship, and Sora hates more than anything that it took all this to happen for him to understand those feelings in himself. For him to look beyond the shields of jealousy they both hid behind to recognize the truth of their rivalry, to understand just how much, how _needed_ those bonds were. Two stupid boys hurling words and too proud to just admit they were happy to see each other again, too caught up in their own resentment and loneliness to bother easing the other's pain. A lot of mistakes made all around, on both of their parts, but he never meant for it to happen the way it has, for this rift to exist or for this sadness to overwhelm him even at the mention of his name.

So it's come to this for Sora, an existence divided by dreams and nightmares, between the light and darkness and the desires that push him forward. To find her. To see him again. To reunite. To apologize. To restore her. To never lose sight of him, ever.

'Don't worry, Sora, we'll find Kairi soon,' is what Goofy says every time right after Donald, always with a smile and an encouraging pat on the shoulder to help ease the frown that falls for just a moment over his face.

But if it's Kairi he's so desperately searching for, like everyone keeps saying, why does he only dream of Riku?


End file.
